Lifting up the meaning of life
After hearing Rev. Andy MacBeth speak poignantly in a church class about the need for finding a middle ground between our reflections and our actions–so that we act carefully and follow up on reflections with action–my task in the group was to close the class with prayer. Not knowing what to say, I found myself saying this:
Dear God,
Help our reflections to be reflected in our actions, and
Help our actions to be reflections of our reflections.
Amen.
Reflections on Pastoral Counseling
Loren Townsend of Louisville Theological Seminary has written an excellent book entitled Introduction to Pastoral Counseling (Nashville: Abingdon, 2009). The foundation of his book is research he did in interviewing about 80 pastoral counselors to understand who they are and what they do.
I’ve been part of the pastoral counseling movement—which formally began in the 1960s when the American Association of Pastoral Counselors was established—since the early 1970s as client, trainee, and therapist. Reading Loren’s overview of our history was like reading about the inner workings of the train I’ve traveled on for over 35 years. I’ve felt the bumps, surges, slow-downs, problems, and successes, but not really known the broader story. I was trained in psychodynamic therapy with a heavy emphasis on Rogerian technique, which gave me my foundational theories, but as quickly as I gained experience as a clinician I found myself in dire need of more theoretical perspectives. So I immersed myself in family systems theories, depth psychology, Transactional Analysis, self psychology, and studied in less depth many other perspectives. Then I found myself returning to my theological training and working to integrate many of Paul Tillich’s and Rollo May’s ideas into my clinical work. This led me to better understand the importance of the myths, symbols, and rituals of religion in my clients’ lives.
As I read Loren’s book I grew aware of how my own journey has been a part of the larger journey of pastoral counselors. We all have been seeking to integrate the burgeoning theoretical approaches in the psychotherapy field. And we’ve generally returned to our beginning: that relationships are the central healing field and clients are the subjects (not the therapists) who do the real changing. Instead of growing more certain of my expertise, I’ve grown more aware of the importance of what I don’t know, what I don’t understand, which is the life, aspirations, and relationships of my clients. The more I am able to embrace this humble posture, the more healing the therapeutic relationship can be.
In many areas of my life as I’ve grown older I’ve found just what Loren writes about. As I’ve made peace with the mainstream, I’ve become less of a counter-cultural person—just as pastoral counseling is no longer such a counter-cultural movement. I think that is a shame, for the ability to see from a fresh perspective is vital to the prophetic voice I have long valued. I also see myself in Loren’s mirror: a man who has, to some extent, sold out.
That insight, though, is the challenge I need. It reminds me that diagnosis and treatment planning is not the essence of what I do or who I am. I am a relationship therapist. Though the structure of psychotherapy is of comfort to me, it is not the foundation for my life’s work. Relationships are. I seek to be one who affirms and accepts the best of the person who comes to me for help, lifting up and challenging the negative only when it threatens to overwhelm the good. I do not want to bury my clients in names—diagnostic names—but to offer them the hope that they can reach for their very best despite their weaknesses. And I hope that my presence with them is food for the strength that would overcome weakness and brokenness.
TELL US ABOUT QUAKERS
In 2008 a class from St. Mary’s School in Memphis sent me 22 questions about Quakers to help prepare me for a class interview, which I later attended. These are my responses.
1. What are the basic beliefs of the Quaker faith?
Quakers have no creed or affirmation required for membership, but we speak often about there being a spirit of light or truth in every person that can be a guide to right living. This Inner Light, we think, leads us to affirmations of equality, simplicity, peace, integrity (or rigorous honesty), and community (our testimonies).
2. Do you prefer to be called a member of the Society of Friends or is “Quaker” acceptable?
We usually call ourselves Quakers, but I often refer to us as Friends to remind myself that friendliness and making friends might be our central mission.
3. Is there a process or a sacrament practiced in the process of becoming a Quaker?
There is no membership sacrament, but to become a member, one is encouraged to be involved in the meeting’s life for a period of time (during which one will be treated as an equal partner in most of our business and ministry activities). When one is ready, he or she is invited to write a letter to the meeting clerk expressing a desire to join and explaining why. The clerk will set up a clearness committee to meet with the applicant to listen to his or her spiritual journey and determine if the way is clear for joining. This committee will then recommend (or not) the person for membership, which can be approved by the monthly meeting for business.
4. We studied about George Fox. Could you tell us more about him?
George Fox, the founder of Quakerism, rebelled from the Church of England in the mid-1500s, believing that the sacraments, rules of authority, and form of worship distracted people from realizing what the Inner Light of Christ would reveal to them. He organized people, who were called Seekers, Seekers of the Truth, or Children of the Light, to sit quietly and wait upon the Spirit of God to call them to speak on spiritual matters. Fox himself was often called to speak, and his messages resonated with many of the English. He also rose to speak during worship services of the Church of England, angering the authorities enough to take him outside and beat him, later to jail him (and many of his followers). After a few years of religious rebellion, Fox tempered his acts enough to work diligently at organizing his followers into a new religious denomination.
5. How and when did the Quakers come from England to the United States?
Tired of persecutions, Quakers immigrated to the colonies, hoping to find tolerance. Unfortunately, many were persecuted here, too, until William Penn “bought” the land he would name Pennsyvania and began the great Quaker Experiment.
6. Is there a sacred writing that the Quakers use?
No. We have traditionally spoken of the “continuing revelation” of truth that can be found in many writings, one of which is the Bible.
7. What social issues do Quakers support? Which issues do they oppose?
Quaker testimonies speak to our concern for social life. Simplicity calls us to temper our material acquisitions and seek to avoid unnecessary complications. Peace calls us towards nonviolence. Integrity calls us to speak the truth plainly without oaths. Community calls us to value the strength of community above power. Equality calls us to respect the rights and wisdom of all people and cultures. Some think that we are also moving towards another testimony: earthcare, which calls us to conservation.
8. Explain the Quaker philosophy on war.
If there is an Inner Light of God inherent in all people, then killing another human being is killing that of God within that person. Therefore, many Quakers believe that there is no legitimate occasion for war, and with the advent of nonviolence as a strategy for confronting evil and abuses of power, most Quakers are strong advocates of nonviolence strategies as an alternative to war. (The “War is Not the Answer” yard signs you see in Memphis and other cities are distributed though the Friends Committee on National Legislation.)
9. We also researched William Penn. Tells us more about him.
William Penn believed that Quakers could start a different kind of state. Thus, he “bought” the land named Pennsylvania from both the English authorities and the Native Americans who lived in the land the English claimed was their own. In this way he established friendly relations with both “owners” of the land. Quakers were then invited to establish a colony that would be governed by Quaker principles (or testimonies). Philadelphia itself means “City of Brotherly Love.” This “Quaker Experiment” was assimilated into the broader American culture, but it continues to influence us in subtle ways today, not the least of which is our American tendency towards openness (which has some roots in the openness of Friends).
10. We know that Quakers were persecuted. Are there historical incidents you recall? Do you feel that Quakers are discriminated against in modern times?
Mary Dyer was burned at the stake in Newport, RI, in the 1600s for merely being a Quaker and refusing to convert to the Puritan ideals. It was totally unjust by almost anyone’s standards. Quakers were often thrown into jail for refusing to be sworn into a court of law. (They argued that we should tell the truth at all times, and the act of swearing to tell the truth implies that we sometimes don’t or that we will tell more of the truth after swearing in.) Because authorities tired of jailing good people for such a trivial crime when they knew they would tell the truth anyway, laws were changed so that, to this day, no one is forced to be sworn into a court of law (you may affirm that you will tell the truth).
11. How do Quakers worship?
We enter into a circle of worshippers, sit down and be quiet, waiting on a spiritual inspiration. If one is moved by the spirit, he or she may speak, sing, pray, read, or even dance (almost all messages are merely verbal). We worship for an hour, and at least 90% of that time is usually in silence. All are welcome to attend, and anyone is free to “minister” to the meeting if he or she feels inspired to share a message. Meetings for worship end when the clerk shares hands with close-by worshippers and others shake hands and say hello. Then announcements are shared until the clerk calls for worshippers to rise.
12. How are meeting houses different then a typical church?
They are very simply furnished and chairs are in a circle. There is no front and back.
13. How often do the Quakers meet?
In Memphis every Sunday from 11 am to noon at 3387 Walnut Grove Road and Prescott.
14. What holidays are the most important to Quakers?
Traditionally none are, but most Quakers celebrate Christmas or other traditional holy days. There is no plan for worship to be different during holiday times.
15. Do Quakers have any restriction on diet or lifestyle in comparison to other faiths?
Not really, although the testimony of simplicity might call some Quakers to own less things, or the testimony of peace is often expressed by a Quaker living on so little income that he or she will not be taxed. To some the peace testimony calls them to not eat meat.
16. Explain and discuss the three branches of the Quaker faith.
As I understand it, the Hicksites and Wilburites split off over disputes over the importance of the Bible. The Hicksites took a more open-minded approach to religion, and the Wilburites were more inclined to emphasize discipline and lines of authority. These two branches have essentially merged again. The third branch was the development of pastoral meetings, now called Friends Churches, which have mostly programmed worship services led by a “Recorded Minister.” The closest Quaker Church is in DeWitt, Arkansas, where I grew up. There are more Quakers in North Carolina and Kenya than any other places, mainly because there are more Quaker Churches in those two locales, for having a minister often helps a church grow in ways that meetings without ministers do not accomplish so easily (paid ministry is often more efficient).
17. How did the name Society of Friends come to be?
Early Quakers were called “Seekers of the Truth” and “Friends of the Light.” Because they wanted to distinguish themselves from churches (Fox called them “Steeple Houses”), they called their organized body a society. The informal name Quakers is said to have arisen from a comment a judge made upon having to preside over the trial of more Quakers for trivial offenses of conscience (like not taking their hats off in the courtroom). He looked at them and said, “I quake at having to do this again.” The other tale it that after speaking passionately in meetings for worship, the speakers would often sit down and shake or quake (which is a common human experience when one speaks about something he or she feels deeply about–hence we might all be Quakers!).
18. Is there a difference between the treatment of men and women in the Quaker faith?
Not intentionally, nor is there a difference in the treatment of races, or people of different faith backgrounds who convert, or of gays and lesbians.
19. Explain the Testimonies of Faith.
In my opinion, all of the testimonies follow logically from the manner of worship. Worship is meant to be Simple, Peaceful, Honest (Integrity), with Equal authority among all worshippers, lifting up the Community spirit to test and affirm individual messages. Personally, I think it all begins with a faith that fundamentally means openness, not belief, but radical openness to life and others.
20. Do Quakers support higher education? What areas of study are most important to Quakers?
There are many Quaker schools and colleges, and, in my experience, most Quaker meetings are full of very well educated people. Most Quakers are particularly supportive of education that is meant to lift up higher values and change what is wrong in our society and world.
21. When did the Quakers first come to Memphis? How were they treated?
The first gathering of Quakers known in Memphis was a group that began in the 1950s. A Monthly Meeting was established at the Chisca Hotel downtown in September 1957. This meeting was lain down in the late 1960s, resurrected in the 1970s, lain down in the late 1970s, and resurrected again in 1984. In 1987 the Memphis Friends Meeting was reestablished as a Monthly Meeting affiliated with the Southern Appalachian Yearly Meeting and Association, and it has survived and thrived for over twenty years since then. Quakers, to my knowledge, have never complained about their treatment, although there is a long-standing concern with race relations in Memphis and the South.
22. Where does the current congregation of Quakers worship?
3387 Walnut Grove Road and Prescott.
Ron McDonald, Clerk
Memphis Friends Meeting
October 14, 2009
(from Memphis Friends Newsletter, September 2009)
When Susan’s mother, Jean, lived near us for the last year and a half of her life, every week we’d take her out to eat and she always ordered shrimp and a Manhattan Up with no cherry. To this day we can’t eat shrimp without thinking of Jean. Sometimes the thoughts are happy; sometimes melancholy.
At a recent lecture/discussion on grief I was asked to consider that the work of grief does not end but has this very quality of remembering for the rest of our lives. The speaker, Bruce Rogers-Vaughn, who has lost a child, suggested that we do not “work through” grief in the sense of accepting the loss and moving on. Instead, we remember over and over again in ways that remind us that the love we felt for that person never dies. In fact, it has a way of deepening the more we remember. It is as though love is more evident to us in the absence of the loved one.
More importantly, the more we remember those whom we love so deeply, the more we experience a paradox of God’s love. We most profoundly feel the need for the love of God when we feel its absence most. Anne Lamott (author of Traveling Mercies, Grace, and other books on faith) says that the most fundamental prayer we have is “Help me! Help me! Help me!” We breathe that prayer when help seems most absent, when hurt is most dominant, when grief is deepest—when the God that we think would keep us from suffering isn’t doing very well.
Theologian Paul Tillich said that when this God who is supposed to be on our side isn’t working anymore, there is a God above God that rises up and helps us. But this help isn’t tangible like some preachers promise. (“Give to our church and God will bless you.”) Instead, it is experienced in much the way messages were conveyed in a recent First Day worship: when the plan goes wrong, let it be, and a new and better way will open. Tillich said that it is as though a voice speaks to us and says, “You are accepted by something you cannot name.” In response, you are not required to do anything, think anything, believe anything, but only to accept acceptance.
I once saw my dog hit and killed on the highway beside me. Spontaneously I fell to my knees, lifted my arms, and shouted, “No!” Later, struck by this expressive pose, I realized that I had expressed my love for that dog in that exclamation. In the “No!” I had talked with the God of love, not the God that was supposed to protect my dog from harm. The God that lets our lives be messed up is a constant disappointment, but there is a God of love that rises out of the ashes.
Though we fall apart when we feel deep grief, grief puts us back together by leading us to the very thing we want to avoid—remembering. The curse of painful memories help us affirm the beauty of the love we felt and still feel.
Once, trying to speak about my grief upon the death of beloved neighbor, I choked up, and couldn’t say but one thing, “I’m glad I let myself love him.” I wasn’t even sure why I would say that when it hurt so badly, but I did. Then someone reminded me, “To love someone is to open an unhealable wound.” Which is true, I think; but I’m still glad I love.
Ron McDonald