For most of my life I’ve believed that when I’ve not been understood it’s mostly been the fault of a bad listener. So after the listener obviously misunderstood, I’ve tried to explain myself better, usually to no avail, for the listener normally responds to my flurry of more words with a defensive, “Oh, I understand, but…” And the dance of misunderstanding commences in earnest.
Just recently, though, I had an insight. Maybe it’s not the fault of the listener. Maybe it’s not even the fault of the speaker’s poor choice of words. Maybe it’s the speaker’s mistrust that hinders the listener from understanding.
If I start with mistrust (the listener will not understand unless I make sure he or she convinces me that I’ve been heard correctly), there’s a real probability that the discussion will turn into a “yes, but” back-and-forth that leads to a very confusing place.
If, however, I start with the trust that after I state my opinion or perception and then give the listener plenty of quiet space to accept my words and let them resonate inside in such a way that they will make sense (and nonsense). The outcome will be a trustful, peaceful dialog that leads to what we both want: understanding.
One of Immanuel Kant’s greatest contributions to philosophy was the idea that comprehension is not just about knowing or not knowing, but about understanding, and my recent revelation is that understanding begins with trust.